||[Dec. 2nd, 2003|09:47 am]
|||||The Hampster running on the wheel in my head||]|
I can't believe you had the balls to come over, I can't believe you were that drunk and drove. I can't believe how incredibly pathetic you came off to be last night. I wished didn't open the door, I didn't know it was you. I thought it was my friend who left 10 minutes earlier. I am so glad that my friend didn't see you. Things like that are the reason you need help, the bottle is not a therapist. I never loved you, I couldn't, I wouldn't. Last night was a disgrace, it makes me revel in the fact that I know my body and my limits and what i am like when I drink. It makes me glad that I don't get that way when I drink. No one should be the way you were, no one should cheapen themselves like that. I so very much wanted to be a support for you but you pushed me away, you got mad, you cost me friends, that in the long run were healthy for me to lose. You brought clarity into my life, a model of what I don't need in my life. The drama, the HS like drama. You knew me for a month and a half, you couldn't have loved me to deeply as you say. I just don't see you as that type of person, i don't know how such a "cold person" as you put it is capable of such a large amount of love as you say you have for me. I don't need your love, I don't want it. I don't want to have to call the police, but if what happened last night ever happens again, I will be forced to have to. You need help, not love, not a man, not sex, not booze, but real help, professional help.
There is only one girl that I have ever loved, and as the days go on, I more and more believe that it was a true love that I had for her. A love that just was not meant to be. Kerry, I was in love with you, this I am so very sure of, and I will still always love you, but us as a couple we just weren't meant to be. We are looking for two very different things. We are two different people when it comes down to it.
It is finally time for me to be happy, happy with my new friends, well one new and one renewed friendship. They are so lovely. I am thankful for them.....love is real with you guys, I feel it. Thanks you two.....*raises glass* here is to many a good time.